Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Is there any cure for love & commitment allergy?

I've been in and out of relationships four times already. I'm only counting serious relationships, if i include the quasi relationships i've been into, maybe it would total to eight or nine times. Call it quasi, but still it hurts like the serious ones that I had. One year and three months had passed since I last suffered a major heartbreak. Yeah, major. But that wasn't even a serious relationship, for him, but maybe for me, it was. I cried, felt so stupid for being fooled again. But I managed to move on, and now, here I am, whole again.

But that previous heartache made me more cautious, which made me recall a conversation I had with Ms. Grace, our company's National Controller. Once she called me regarding some clarifications with my reports, she inserted a small conversation regarding relationships. She asked me if I'm currently in a relationship. I was honest enough to tell her that I'm still very single at the moment. She advised me to go find a partner the sooner the better or else, I'd become a perfectionist. Yeah, perfectionist. Which I really think I am now. *frown*

I admit I have a very high criteria in terms of choosing a partner. But honestly, this criteria will never be followed once someone already made a way to tickle my heart. After picking up my broken pieces, I decided to stay single. I decided to wait. I know there's someone out there for me and in His own time, I would meet him. I chose to spend my time alone. I reconciled with myself. And I've learned to really take good care of myself. It feels good to be single. No strings attached. I can go wherever I want to. I can flirt anytime I want to. hehe. But there would be times that being alone would bring back memories and would made me wish that I have a hand to hold on to, a hug that would make me feel I'm loved and I'm secure. But then again, flashes of not so perfect endings would appear right in front of me and would make me feel bitter again. I should have waited. I should have not rushed. Experience is really the best teacher. Now, I'm traumatized! Haha

Going back to being a perfectionist, I would love to have a "professional" boyfriend. Yeah. Someone who can provide for my needs, our needs maybe, when the time comes that we would be thinking of settling down. A boyfriend who knows how to handle money matters well. A boyfriend who is responsible. A boyfriend who knows how to pamper his girlfriend. A boyfriend who is not afraid of obligations. A boyfriend who loves to have fun and knows when to be serious. Perfectionist?

Now, someone is trying to make my knees weak again. I know he is responsible, but there are flaws. He is not that professional, he does have a work but he wasn't able to finish college. He knows to have fun and he knows when to be serious too. He knows how to pamper me. But still, there's a big flaw. Maybe that "professional" thing. On the dark side, he really doesn't know how to handle money. Yeah. But I know he can. He's actually striving to change. He always tells me that he wants to change, he's asking help from me. I would tell him for a hundred times already that he needs to change alone. I can guide him, but I would not give my 100% effort. Because I believe that changing is a process. And he should change his old ways not because I want him to, but because HE REALLY WANTED TO. I've been there, done that. Four years ago, I've met this person online. During that time, I was so devastated, so broken. With his help, I've moved on. But he left me unprepared, he left me without a warning. I thought I was okay. I thought I've moved on. But when he left, everything went black again. My heart was shattered into pieces and it even hurt twice than before. Lesson learned from that experience? Moving on should be an INDIVIDUAL effort. It's okay to mourn for a failed relationship. It's okay to ask help from friends. I've learned that all the help coming from family and friends are useless if I never exert effort to help my own self.

I'm now allergic to commitment. I'm allergice to love. But a part of me craves for intimacy. A part of me longs for someone to be with. A part of me longs to be with him. It's too complicated and I'm so afraid to risk.

[edited April 30, 2008]