Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Is there any cure for love & commitment allergy?

I've been in and out of relationships four times already. I'm only counting serious relationships, if i include the quasi relationships i've been into, maybe it would total to eight or nine times. Call it quasi, but still it hurts like the serious ones that I had. One year and three months had passed since I last suffered a major heartbreak. Yeah, major. But that wasn't even a serious relationship, for him, but maybe for me, it was. I cried, felt so stupid for being fooled again. But I managed to move on, and now, here I am, whole again.

But that previous heartache made me more cautious, which made me recall a conversation I had with Ms. Grace, our company's National Controller. Once she called me regarding some clarifications with my reports, she inserted a small conversation regarding relationships. She asked me if I'm currently in a relationship. I was honest enough to tell her that I'm still very single at the moment. She advised me to go find a partner the sooner the better or else, I'd become a perfectionist. Yeah, perfectionist. Which I really think I am now. *frown*

I admit I have a very high criteria in terms of choosing a partner. But honestly, this criteria will never be followed once someone already made a way to tickle my heart. After picking up my broken pieces, I decided to stay single. I decided to wait. I know there's someone out there for me and in His own time, I would meet him. I chose to spend my time alone. I reconciled with myself. And I've learned to really take good care of myself. It feels good to be single. No strings attached. I can go wherever I want to. I can flirt anytime I want to. hehe. But there would be times that being alone would bring back memories and would made me wish that I have a hand to hold on to, a hug that would make me feel I'm loved and I'm secure. But then again, flashes of not so perfect endings would appear right in front of me and would make me feel bitter again. I should have waited. I should have not rushed. Experience is really the best teacher. Now, I'm traumatized! Haha

Going back to being a perfectionist, I would love to have a "professional" boyfriend. Yeah. Someone who can provide for my needs, our needs maybe, when the time comes that we would be thinking of settling down. A boyfriend who knows how to handle money matters well. A boyfriend who is responsible. A boyfriend who knows how to pamper his girlfriend. A boyfriend who is not afraid of obligations. A boyfriend who loves to have fun and knows when to be serious. Perfectionist?

Now, someone is trying to make my knees weak again. I know he is responsible, but there are flaws. He is not that professional, he does have a work but he wasn't able to finish college. He knows to have fun and he knows when to be serious too. He knows how to pamper me. But still, there's a big flaw. Maybe that "professional" thing. On the dark side, he really doesn't know how to handle money. Yeah. But I know he can. He's actually striving to change. He always tells me that he wants to change, he's asking help from me. I would tell him for a hundred times already that he needs to change alone. I can guide him, but I would not give my 100% effort. Because I believe that changing is a process. And he should change his old ways not because I want him to, but because HE REALLY WANTED TO. I've been there, done that. Four years ago, I've met this person online. During that time, I was so devastated, so broken. With his help, I've moved on. But he left me unprepared, he left me without a warning. I thought I was okay. I thought I've moved on. But when he left, everything went black again. My heart was shattered into pieces and it even hurt twice than before. Lesson learned from that experience? Moving on should be an INDIVIDUAL effort. It's okay to mourn for a failed relationship. It's okay to ask help from friends. I've learned that all the help coming from family and friends are useless if I never exert effort to help my own self.

I'm now allergic to commitment. I'm allergice to love. But a part of me craves for intimacy. A part of me longs for someone to be with. A part of me longs to be with him. It's too complicated and I'm so afraid to risk.

[edited April 30, 2008]

9 comments:

Joni said...

Aww. *hugz*

You're not being a perfectionist, you're just being practical. It's not always about the feelings and cheap thrills eh, we girls also have to use our heads before we go into a relationship. hehe

About those guys who hurt you... them leaving only means you're supposed to be with someone better. I believe that the person who God has for us is the best one. OK lang to have standards ah. It just means gausar ka ya ulo. hehe.

When we've waited and when the Lord decides that we're ready, He will just send us the right guy. We only need to trust Him and be patient. :)

jireh said...

thanks joni :) haay. complicated. hehehe. but i'm still willing to wait. I know in His own time, everything will fall to its proper places :)

shavei7 said...

ok... we have some things in common. Perfectionist (honestly, there's nothing wrong with it as long as you compromise every now and then hehe), and is allergic to serious relationships. wait..the last one is just me. LOL.

I'm sure you'll find somebody else who'll love you more than you'll love him (number 1 rule!). Remember, what doesn't break you will make you stronger. Or even if it breaks you, you will pick up the pieces, sooner or later, and you'll emerge a stronger person. shucks. lol. I'm just trying to make you smile. Okay, I'm blabbing now.

T'care!

Anonymous said...

Hey Gwapa,

All i can say is, you deserve the BEST!

Damu pa da sila. Think of an Ocean. In the Ocean, damu pa fishes. School of fishes.

Basta if ma inlove dont give 100%. 50% lng anay. The rest of the 50% is to love yourself. :)

Take Care,
Vince

betchay said...

baw subong lang ko ka lab-ot di ba. (meaning, subong lang ko may time mag ukay ukay sa web. busy gid abi...)

i remember sang amo ni nga time... wala untat tukar ang hold on (wilson phillips)

don't you know things can change, things will go your way, if you hold on... hold on for one more day =)

halong.

Sexy Mom said...

that's how it really is, but don't worry, the right relationship will come at the right moment.

remember Serendipity?

tina said...

sabi nga nila.. there's one in this world for everyone..

and you are right about change being a process one needs to deal alone. it's a personal decision..

and... about the past relationships.. just look at it this way: it made you a better person.

*HUGS*

Aux Zero said...

oh the things that heartaches can cause..
this is just one way that most of us do when it seems that the love we think was perfect has failed us..

marshmalouws said...

perfectionist? well, if u want to call it perfectionist.. then be it.. all girls wants to be loved, pampered and cared.. you are not asking that much.. you are only asking what you deserved.. isn't it? LOL to that girl!!!!!!!